The presence of God

An old Hasidic rabbi crosses the village square every morning on his way to the temple to pray. One morning, a large cossack soldier, who happened to be in a vile mood, accosted him, saying, "Hey, Rebby, where are you going?"
And the rabbi said, "I don't know."
This infuriated the Cossack. "What do you mean, you don't know? Every morning for twenty-five years you have crossed the village square and gone to the temple to pray. Don't fool with me. Who are you, telling me you don't know?"
He grabbed the old rabbi by the coat and dragged him off to jail. Just as he was about to push him into the cell, the rabbi turned to him, saying: "You see, I didn't know."
--Traditional Tale.

Over the years I have heard story after story of the struggles of different people who are engaging in Youth and Young Adult ministry. Part of the struggle is that congregations often look to the youth minister to know the answer to the questions how do we get youth in the church, or how will we keep the church from dying? This is an impossible expectation to live up to. As we all know no one person can save the church.

Thinking back on the first 5 years of my ministry at Riverbend United Church I remember feeling inadequate, and full of fear that I would fail, or someone would realize that I really didn't have much training to do this job. I always felt that my colleagues were years ahead of me, and I was envious of their programs. I think about all the mistakes I made, and how I was suddenly respected as a youth minister simply because my group grew to 60 youth. I would have to say that, those were the years that my ministry was at it weakest and I didn't deserve respect simply because my group appeared to be big in numbers. I spent the year feeling like I was always behind, and I spent all my time simply trying to keep the crowd of youth under control and entertained. It was also during that time that my personal life was in shambles. I remember this one moment during that time when I felt completely defeated, and I seriously considered leaving the church. I was unhappy, I was exhausted, and I was stretched. I had no idea where I was going.

I remember sitting in the dark sanctuary of the church by myself at 2 in the morning staring at the cross. My mind was a blank. All I wanted was to feel something, I wanted to know that God was there holding me, helping me, walking with me. Instead I left the church that night feeling numb, but that was it. The next day didn't get better, in fact the next year didn't get better, but somehow, I kept going. That was the year that I was asked to justify my job, by providing numbers of youth, detailed time sheets of how I was spending my time, and a list of results, goals and outcomes.

Somewhere in all this I came to a place where I remembered why I was doing this ministry. I think that 2 Corinthians 4:1-2 captures it best: "Therefore, since it is by God's mercy that we are engaged in this ministry, we do not lose heart. We have renounced the shameful things that one hides; we refuse to practice cunning or to falsify God's word; but by the open statement of the trust we commend ourselves to the conscience of everyone in the sight of God." I think that subconsciously God was sending me that message. It was by God's mercy that I was doing this ministry. God was holding me, supporting me and walking with me. I wish I had been engaged in the practices of sabbath during that difficult time, because I think I would have come to this understanding a lot sooner. Taking time each week to meditate on scriptures, and taking time to share my thoughts and questions with others gives me strength, clarity of purpose, and hope. It is because of God that I have not been crushed, nor driven to despair, forsaken or destroyed. I'm grateful for the 13 years that I've had at Riverbend, the relationships that I've built, the depth of sharing that comes with this long term ministry. I'm also grateful that I lived in the struggle because it has helped me to come to know the person that I am and it has deepened my faith. It is something that I will always treasure.

I hope and pray that others will find comfort and strength in knowing that we all struggle in this ministry and that we are not alone. May these words bring you peace, and hope as you continue in this ministry:
"So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18.

Blessings, Karen